3 years ago, I filed for divorce. 9 years of life as I knew it came to a devastating end. In the weeks surrounding the most excruciatingly painful transition of my life, I experienced moments of such intense anxiety and fear that it was debilitating. I lost 20 lbs. I went days without eating, barely functioning enough to pack my daughter's lunch kit and keep it together for 20 minutes until she got on the bus for school.
I'd go back to bed, thoughts racing through my head of how my entire life was being flipped upside down. I had been a stay-at-home mom for the last 6 years of my life and now, I was becoming a single mom, with no income, no security, and no way of knowing how my future was going to turn out. The person I’ve loved for 9 years is no longer by my side. All of our plans, our dreams, and our life as a family were completely abolished. The feeling of being alone and scared overwhelmed me. How would this affect the kids? It was so unexpected and I didn’t see it coming. God, HOW is this your plan?
One night as I lay in bed weeping and praying to God, He spoke something so profound to me. “Papa knows best.” And I have held onto those words for 3 years. Can I trust God when it looks like I am losing EVERYTHING? Yes. Because all things work for the good of those who are called according to His purposes. His plan is far better than mine. My understanding is limited. Trusting Him is all I have. So that is what I have done.
The last 3 years haven't been easy, but I can attest to the fact that God has been faithful. Am I where I want to be? Not at all. I have hope for a new family. I pray every day for a husband who will make us a family again and help provide so we no longer struggle financially. I long for the day when I no longer have to work a 9-5 but can focus on the passions and desires God has placed in my heart with a full-time career in fashion & ministry. But I am truly thankful for this journey I am on. The job I have currently is filled with so many amazing people I would have never met if things had happened in my own time. I am learning how to let go of how I thought my life should have turned out, and truly enjoy life where I am right now. I am exactly where I need to be at this moment. And I can trust that God is preparing a future far greater than I can even imagine. The things that are meant for me will find me in God's perfect timing.
I know the pain of unspeakable loss. I know what it's like to fear the unknown. But if there is one thing I know for sure, it's that friend, whatever you are going through...however impossible it all seems right now... YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT. Trust Him.